Dating as a single mum is a dangerous game, true love where art thou?
I have a lot of things to say about this and I’m not sure where to start, obviously this is written from my own personal experience of being a single mum for a few years (6?) so I think I’ve covered most bases… Not in a sleazy way I just mean I’ve explored most of the crappy options that are available.
My first point is that I’m happy on my own with my awesome kids, I don’t NEED a man it would just be nice to meet someone who wants to love us and be loved and who could fit into our life without anything being affected, moreover my mental health. It’s hard to juggle two kids and hold down a job, keep things washed up, clean, tidy and pay rent, bills, do school runs, 3 meals a day, doctors appointments blah blah blah… So ideally this potential man should be self sufficient, motivated, supportive, respectful, up for a spontaneous adventure and have the music taste and looks of Joshua Homme or the beard of Shia Lebeouf. Jokes, looks aren’t THAT important, well…
So, the weekend is pretty much when you can get out, if you are lucky enough to have a babysitter or the kids are at their dads, which leaves an evening surrounded by drunk men who just want to bang you. Not all the men want to bang me just the ones who may approach are only after said bang.
To be honest at the weekend I just want to let my hair down and have a good dance and a giggle so it’s not somewhere I’d be trying to find a man anyway, (except the kebab man for an unhealthy portion of doner meat chips and cheese with garlic mayo) and it’s not the way to meet a ‘decent’ man. Getting out is a once maybe twice a month thing so it’s sacred and exclusively for footwork and Whiskey.
I’m sure if I had a regular life and not a crazy upside down whirlwind I could arrange for the worlds to collide and money to be saved to go to a class or activity that I may find my future husband at but right now that seems impossible. Still in the pipeline so watch this space!
What does that leave? How can I communicate with single men that might actually want to date me not just bed me? Yep, you guessed it, online! Every evening I’m alone, my kids are tucked up in bed and I want to be sociable, I want to have a long chat with an intellectual interesting man about the finer points of his dvd collection or the inner workings of Jimmy Page’s mind.
Cue the internet! Tada!
It all started on an O2 chat forum, I met a big tough metalhead guy, we got on so well and I almost dated him but he was up north and my father was very ill down south (here) I couldn’t handle long distance so we stayed friends, drifted apart and now he’s married and settled. (My dream) I then joined a site called mocospace where I met a skinny little reggae fan coincidentally from up north who would come down and visit me and talked about me moving with him away from my family to the north, he got weird in ways I won’t mention so I ended that and gave up for a while. This was about 5 ish years ago.
I met a guy from Djing together, we hit it off but it turned out he was an alcoholic, the kind that gets nasty, so before any harm could come I battened down the hatches, not having that around my kids!!
A recurring ex visits, tries to get into my life, does ‘nice’ things, turns out he just wants sex, I don’t give him sex, he goes away again. (he’ll be back)
I started online dating on specific sites a couple of years ago, I either meet someone (eventually) who ends up being a bit weird (especially in person), we don’t have any chemistry (believe me I need to be attracted to someone to even consider a 3rd date) or I just get despondent for a year then try again.
Every time it goes the same way, wade through inappropriate messages, old fat bald men, verbal abuse if you don’t respond the way they want, lose hope, delete it, feel lonely, try again, get talking to someone who ‘seems’ normal, start to like them, meet them and then when they think you’re hooked, they tell you that they’re really married or live with their mum or have no job or are mentally screwed. Yay.
Real life doesn’t seem to produce much in the way of opportunity, I might get a smile from a stranger but then he’s lost in the nothingness of sainsburys, just a mere hint of attraction…I might hit it off with someone on Facebook but the reality of the actual relationship with someone who spends their time on there seems to follow suit of them coming to rely on me, no job no hope no home no car… It’s too much strain on me, I can only handle a man that will bring his self sufficient ass to my table with a bag of spuds and a bottle of something instead of me scraping up another mouths worth of food out of my rent money funded daily dinners…I’m all for giving and loving but if it ain’t there to give its gonna break.
So yeah… I’ll keep on focusing on my kids, seems guys want mothering and I’ve got my hands full on that front!
Yesterday I was hungover, (the night before was a Christmas party with some lovely people, I even danced) I got up, was visited by a/the recurring ex boyfriend (the type that rock up a year after you tell them it’s never going to work, saying they’ve changed/matured/moved out/have a job/don’t just want sex etc) who wanted to ‘help’ me out with life, aww how sweet! Nope! It ended up being him wanting to leave his caravan on my garden and possibly stay in it, for a bit of money each month for 5 or so months. The whole time he was in my home it felt like there was a dark cloud towering over me at 6ft all gloomy and paranoid, telling of trouble he was in and how he was suffering. I was so meek and my caring side can’t see anyone unhappy, my 5ft frame and I reluctantly agreed, he left to fetch it, I started to clean and scrub my home (subconsciously getting rid of him) and the panic set in, I didn’t want him in my space, he makes me feel negative like one of those soul reavers, sucking my bounce and essence away, making comments about my things, telling me I’m the best mum he knows but then telling me I’m too soft, that I’m the nicest person he knows but I’m too nice, draining my positivity…I couldn’t cope with having him in my home for a couple of hours, no way could I let him invade my personal space daily, having control or feeling like he had control.
It’s kind of scary how he thinks it’s ok to just turn up, after a year, apologise for his past behaviour from the last time he tried to make me his bitch and try and worm his way in my life.
Hopefully he gets it now.
No means no!
I’m a single mum, I am strong and I’m taking no shit! He arrived and I told him, “I can’t have you in my life, you make me feel negative and I need to protect my mental space.” He didn’t understand, thought he would be helping me. In his mind he would be, I’m ludicrous to refuse him and his help “vulnerable single mum” he called me, but all the money in the world wouldn’t stop me going mad in the head from feeling trapped with him popping in for water and electricity daily! His way of ‘imprinting’ on me?
I may appear vulnerable being on my own and struggling but believe me, I got this!
I am not easy prey!
I’m currently waiting for my man, a nice man who will want to support me in life and see me smile, nurture me and love me like I will do for him…
So yeah please exist!!
I will conclude this, I apologise for the details, for the rambling and tmi but I’m also not sorry, this is life!
I remain hopeful and you should too!
Thanks for reading!