Ok, now this isn’t the first piece of writing I’ve ever done but this is my first blog entry, be prepared it’s not going to rock and it’s probably going to be looong, once I start it’s hard to stop!
For my first entry I had grand ideas of what I was going to talk about, in the end I realised I need to share my most relevant feelings, I currently am out of work, there are no jobs that are suitable for my situation, they are either apprenticeship positions or full time (16 hours please my kids need me for their mental well being) or zero hour contracts,(no security been there done that) therefore I am a single mum on jobseekers, the lowest of the low in many people’s eyes, there is a great deal of pressure on me to get off benefits and find a job that pays well enough to feed my kids AND do Christmas, and that pressure undoubtedly is coming directly from me, other people are doing the ” there’s a job at macdonalds, pound land” etc… No offence, it’s not that I think I’m too good for those places, but I have to have some self respect for my kids, (and their friends ridicules) and I’m too good for those places *insert cheeky grin*
My job adviser at the job centre is one of the nicest humans I’ve ever met, she advised me that with so much stress on my plate *i am stressed out from years of coping with a teen and holding down jobs on the breadline plus health issues* that I should see my doctor and get signed off! I would’ve just carried on, becoming more and more desperate and pressured, panicking that I wasn’t doing enough of my job searching daily criteria as I’m a full time single mum, whether I’m working or not, there’s no time or energy for sticking to a plan for me, a sanction would be my worst fear and fears equal unproductive panic, so I was astounded when she held out the olive branch to me! (I really like olives)
So now it seems I’m a little more relaxed, still job searching but on my own time, still full time mumming it 24/7 worrying and guilt tripping myself that I’m never enough (mothers guilt in full flow) but I’m finding slowly that I can release a tiny piece of creativity into the world, (hence this blog) then the panic of Christmas sets in, a TV advert in November depicting how you should be getting presents for your neighbours, spoiling your kids with an xbox1, another shows a tidy, (2 kids 3 cats and me yeah ok then ) tastefully decorated cosy heated home, (calor gas is too expensive to use!) a table laden with the big turkey and all the trimmings, wines, meats, lavish desserts etc. Right now I can’t even afford presents for my kids, I’m not in a position where I can save money each week, I try but dang it someone needs new shoes or trousers or football boots or college funds, the car needs petrol and oil for its lavish leaking lifestyle, I need to get electricity and go food shopping, now that’s a lot more than the pittance a week I’m getting, so please tell me how to save for Christmas! See what those adverts do?
I am lucky, don’t get me wrong, my kids are awesome, they both have assured me they don’t want much at all, my daughter only asked for an electric blanket bless her, and my son has produced a list of things he wants, mostly games and at the bottom of it just states two of them is enough, if I can do it. I want to spoil them though, just a little bit, get them the things they really want just to see their faces rise with unequivocal joy… I’d love to give my mum and my grandparents great and thoughtful gifts, my close friends too, I would love to buy them the gifts I’ve seen and known they’d love, hell I’d even like to buy something for my neighbours and the lady up the shop but yeah, it’ll be a case of feeling awkward and doing so much apologising and gritting of teeth on the day and pretending I left cards at home as I couldn’t spare the cash to buy any. Oh and the guilt.
I’m sure there are a lot of people thinking the same, in jobs too! Don’t get me started on the politics of this rich vs the rest of us country! It beats me when I see the sofa and furniture adverts, only £599 for a new suite for Christmas, solid wood table and chairs for £499 for nan… How many people can actually afford that! My dream is to be that mum, the one who has already bought and wrapped all the presents in November, has a tidy house, meandering out for new decorations, getting a real non drop 7 foot tree, decadent food ordered from marks and spencer but that’s consumerism in its finest, it’s got me! Yep! You too?!
And now my final thought…Togetherness as my clued up mature beyond her years daughter pointed out has been lost in the media, is what it’s all about, and we will be together so boom! Done! Haha what am I worrying about anyway? *insert teeth gritting face*
Thank you if you got to the end! Sorry if you spotted any bad grammar!
Here is the link to the beautiful Christmas themed photo I used, this wonderful lady has worked hard to produce these totally edible delicious snow globe cakes that if I can afford to, I will try to make! http://www.sugarhero.com/snow-globe-cupcakes-gelatin-bubbles/